When the world ends, there will be three things that survive the blast:

1. cockroaches

2. twinkies

3. welfare cheese

For those of you that grew up fortunate enough never to have to taste welfare cheese, consider yourself lucky. It comes in 2 pound blocks from the federal government when you're on their public assistance program.

I'm convinced that the cheese is not biodegratable by any means. I remember mom trying to make Grilled Cheese Sandwhiches out of that stuff. You could broil that stuff over an open flame: and it would never melt. Never. And it was impossible to cut through. A meat cleaver wouldn't leave a dent in it.

Therefore, I'm convinced that my weight is not due to accessive fat, but to the years of welfare cheese that are stuck in my digestive system.

I propose a new safety measure for the people of my dear country. With the looming threat of continued attacks from God only knows where:

I propose that we not build bomb shelters. Rather, let us insulate our houses with Welfare Cheese.

C'mon terrorist punks! You think we're scared of your anthrax and biological weapons of mass destruction?

Behold!! Our secret weapon: Welfare Cheese. With it, we are indestructable.

Dear Americans, insulate your forts and dwellings now! Do it! For the safety of our women and children.

(logging off and running for the local Department of Welfare & Human Services)